Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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