ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
