I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
