I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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