Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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