if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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