Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
what day is it and did you see me today?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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