She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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