first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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