I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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