I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
