so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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