She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
