My Higher Power is John Stamos
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
