my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
