he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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