escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
