my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
