I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
