i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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