I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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