The maid of honor just puked.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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