I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
