just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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