Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
