we're blogging at a bar
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He passed out mid-signature
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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