dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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