You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
