Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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