I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
