My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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