No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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