I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My dick has a subreddit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
