there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm passing your future prison.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
