Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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