How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
