Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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