I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
