Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
