It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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