He had one of those small greek statue penises
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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