I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
