it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
