If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
