i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
