I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
