those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
