Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
