I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I need to calm my uterus...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
