Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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