I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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