i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
